can't sleep

i'm still in love with two boys.
i've not changed my user info even tho he left us.
denial?
guess if i erase him from my bio it makes it final.

seems like the more i love the one that's here the more i miss the one that's gone.
one does not detract from the other.
being poly makes this less confusing.
doesn't make the loss of the one that's gone hurt less.

maybe that's not true
having peanut makes it hurt less often, but no less total
i don't know.

i got all weepy a while ago in bed making talky with peanut
while being upset about being forgotten he pointed out he was forgotten too

i thought typing this out would make me feel better
it hasn't yet. maybe i didn't say what i needed to say

posting anyway.

still awake

upon further reflection i think i do feel better after babbling to my journal
something about seeing my thoughts on (digital?) paper always does help

i should try to sleep
i'm feeling a little tired.
but i'm afraid if i go to bed mayhaps my brain will start up with the incessant rambles.

was hoping there'd be someone around to talk to but everyone seems asleep.
no matter.
there's nothing to resolve really.
eventually i'll accept it and move on.
always do.

would rather another solution in this case, but ...

*blink*

interesting.

i just realized i'm not anywhere near as obsessed with controlling life anymore.
which is to say not really at all.
yes i'd prefer a solution which is NOT resigning the one who left us to a fond bittersweet memory.
but i feel no frantic need to herd everything/one together and FIX IT!

hmm.
i don't know what that means,
i'm calmer these days i guess.
somewhere in the past few years it seems i've accepted i cannot totally control life.

i made progress?
no that can't be right

there must be another shoe about to drop
goddamn shoes.

skanky blonde

i'm resisting the often nearly overwhelming urge to dred my blonde hair

the only thing which stops me is vanity
took so long growing it back out.

and yet i absentmindedly attempt to twist into locs

GAWDDAMN HIPPIES!

*YAWN*

ok, attempting sleep.
we'll see how all that goes, then.

yes.

and life goes on

my great grandfather died at 2 am
my mother's father's father.

he was less than a month shy of his 100th birthday.

i didn't know he was still alive, i don't even know his first name.

my mother tells me that they were planning a huge party for his 100th
that he was still very lucid and looking forward to it.
but he'd had a heart attack and his kidneys have been slowly shutting down since.

he just ran down.

i expect my mother's father to reach 100, at least.
that side of the family is very long lived.
they're delaying the funeral till the family reunion next month
instead of his birthday party
i think on his birthday rather.

he looked like colonel sanders.

and yet more ...

i had pondered making a sans pinky filter.
would have been used to whine about finances
so that she wouldn't feel i was indirectly whining at her.

that's a slippery slope.

so i've just tried not to whine much at all.
i succeed by sheer force of stubborn sometimes,
but i'm miles away from her level,
and i know that's going to be frustrating at times for her.

this is leading up to a money whine isn't it?
oh maybe.

we'll make it to august, we have to.
i just don't fail anymore.
it's welfare office and temp agency this week.

i'd like to be furious that we've not gotten to either yet after all this time.
nobody to blame but me,
being mad at me gets me nowhere.
just move on and try to fix.
i've the car, i'm the kid who takes care of it all.
i was slacking
just fix and move on.

curtis is tapped out for the moment,
it's possible mother will buy us some groceries tomorrow
we've only got pasta (lots) and rice left.
which peanut can't live on, all starch
got testy strips so back to keeping better track of blood sugar
seems like went from too high,
to trying to keep it from dropping too far with the lack of what he can eat without shooting it way too high.

not very whiny i guess.
just gotta make it to august.
yup.

progress?

attempted welfare office, have to go back tomorrow.
mentally revisiting parts of my past and rebuilding some bridges.
why?
don't know.
i'm forgetful and largely incapable of hate.
if it wasn't too bad of a parting i'm likely to forget the bad bits.

i've been smart and avoided a few still burned bridges,
because i didn't burn them.
one her in particular,
despite what she thought/thinks of me,
once meant a very lot to me.
but i'm not sure she's capable of grasping that.
and the reasons she burned the bridge were either baffling,
or about parts of me that aren't and haven't changed.

another her has been on my mind off and on with no clear reason why.
was pondering emailing,
instead responded to an entry without even thinking about it.
heh, i speak when i have something to say, it was a good something.
she was once nearly my world.

it's been an oddly good day
despite heat, and no money and not getting much done.
my brain feels zenny.
heh

don't piss in my zen, motherfucker!