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hoveringsombrero*huge sigh*
i think my head is going to explode, i've got many things going on in my brain i feel i needs to write out to get out of my head
this is going to be very disjointed *gasp*
i think that for the first time, some people that i call friends that i met online i actually feel like they're real friends
of course then there's the everpresent knowledge that i'm largely incapable of maintaining a friendship
i don't really have a point here, things going through my head
i wish that giggles lived closer or i lived closer to her, i had really been looking forward to meeting her, and when i did it felt like meeting an old friend i just hadn't seen in a while, moreso than the usual similar feeling that goes along with meeting people you talk to online
i had long been somewhat mystified about her, she'd always been so friendly and at times comforting to me in conversations and i just didn't know what to make of it, i didn't harbor any real doubts that she wasn't sincere
it's just
well so many people aren't.
we began talking at one of my most untrusting times so the initial distrust of everyone probably just lingered on,
that's one of the reasons i was looking forward to meeting her in person, it's just hard to tell who's yanking your chain online
she's just so sweet, and lovey, and nonjudgey, and this babble is partially inspired by her new chronicle
so giggles and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lilliane are on my "people who should be close enough to hug at any moment" list
and then there's sanity, so many people are obsessed with it or lack of, i recently found a paper letter from a friend i need to get in contact with and was reminded of his sister, his sister that i had a crush on for years, then she decided she liked girls, then she decided she liked me, then her mother decided she was insane because she liked girls and didn't want to be how the mother thought she should be in general, so her mother being a nurse convinced her friend the local respected shrink that daughter was insane, shrink gave mother pills to take home to daughter, shrink convinced daughter she was insane, having made this diagnosis after giving drugs before starting sessions
after being on all sorts of varying anti-whathaveyous for 2 months daughter lost her virginity and slept with half the local males, then suddenly became suicidal, came on icq and told me she'd taken a bottle of something so i told her i was calling her mother, she answered the phone before her mother heard it, after about 10 mins of crying and begging with her she took the phone to her mother, after i told her mother she took daughter to the hospital and they pumped her stomach then committed her for whatever the standard after suicide attempt time is
i haven't really spoken to her since. i felt betrayed, i felt hurt, and most of all i felt/feel that the person i knew/loved did die that day
soon after that i tried to talk to her several times, i didn't recognize the person i was talking to and i realized that i hadn't really recognized her for about a month.
that's not the only story i've got like that, but it's the one that's affected me most, and unfortunately it's not likely to be the last
the one good things i've learned from memories like that are; always have a safety person if you take any sort of brain chemistry altering drugs, someone you will listen to when they say "hey this is fucking you up, you're not you" or at least is bigger than you and will sit on you till it gets through your head, and that no matter how bad i ever get, i will never never never ever put my friends through what some of them put me through. if it gets THAT bad i tell someone i consider a good friend, i say help and help is the second hardest word for me to say. if i ever got to the point again where i wanted to die so badly that i couldn't ask for help then i'll go somewhere where nobody i love will find me and get it over with.
and moving on
charity posted a bunch of questions for people to respond and answer, i responded rather optimistically, and i kind of assumed that it was a case of me being optimistic to convince myself what i was saying was true (yknow, believe you're happy ....) then i re-read it and realized i really meant it
that aside from all the stupid shit that's happened
that since we moved here i've been TRUELY happy,
yeah i get upset sometimes,
yeah i get pissed off sometimes
but it isn't lasting anymore,
happy and content is my base mood with occasional shitty stuff
instead of depressed and crushed being my base mood overlaid with occasional splashes of happy
back to the insanity, i do consider myself very sane, but it's come to my attention lately that several people really do belive me to be VERY UNsane, but that's primarily because i'm not their version of normal, or whatever
which brang (brung? bringed?) about the realization that i'm much more comfortable from the inside out
my brain doesn't torment me and argue with me constantly anymore, that i have near total control over the people in my head that bitch at me and that i once believed were trying to kill me
i have a mental fist firmly around that frayed piece of matter that is my brain
holding it together
and it's no longer a struggle to do so
AND I DID IT MYSELF
help from kal telling me things repeatedly till i got it, forcing me to realize that i was doing my own version of playing martyr
inspiration from many people i talk to online and off
I AM NOT 'CURED' OR 'FIXED' because i was not sick or broken in the first place
and thusly i am no longer obsessed with the notion that i am "just" sick or broken which led me to the belief that i could be "cured"
i may relapse, i could get dumped, my house could burn down, i could crack and need locked up
*shrug*
i refuse to see myself as a series of high and lows, i refuse to waste time looking forward to something better
that was damaging to me
i will be always grateful for one of the most hot and uncomfortable times of my life
living at dom's house was a huge slap in the face, and had convinced myself that things were on an upswing that i would never have to take a step back again, the whole time in lodi i was focused only upon the something better, and totally not seeing the now
i've had this epiphany before, each time it becomes more severe and profound to me, hopefully i've understood this time
but if circumstances force me to learn this again so be it
i am happy
i like my brain chemicals the way they are
hehehe, i am the master of my domain?
IS.
BE.
listen to yourself eris.
i think my head is going to explode, i've got many things going on in my brain i feel i needs to write out to get out of my head
this is going to be very disjointed *gasp*
i think that for the first time, some people that i call friends that i met online i actually feel like they're real friends
of course then there's the everpresent knowledge that i'm largely incapable of maintaining a friendship
i don't really have a point here, things going through my head
i wish that giggles lived closer or i lived closer to her, i had really been looking forward to meeting her, and when i did it felt like meeting an old friend i just hadn't seen in a while, moreso than the usual similar feeling that goes along with meeting people you talk to online
i had long been somewhat mystified about her, she'd always been so friendly and at times comforting to me in conversations and i just didn't know what to make of it, i didn't harbor any real doubts that she wasn't sincere
it's just
well so many people aren't.
we began talking at one of my most untrusting times so the initial distrust of everyone probably just lingered on,
that's one of the reasons i was looking forward to meeting her in person, it's just hard to tell who's yanking your chain online
she's just so sweet, and lovey, and nonjudgey, and this babble is partially inspired by her new chronicle
so giggles and
lilliane are on my "people who should be close enough to hug at any moment" listand then there's sanity, so many people are obsessed with it or lack of, i recently found a paper letter from a friend i need to get in contact with and was reminded of his sister, his sister that i had a crush on for years, then she decided she liked girls, then she decided she liked me, then her mother decided she was insane because she liked girls and didn't want to be how the mother thought she should be in general, so her mother being a nurse convinced her friend the local respected shrink that daughter was insane, shrink gave mother pills to take home to daughter, shrink convinced daughter she was insane, having made this diagnosis after giving drugs before starting sessions
after being on all sorts of varying anti-whathaveyous for 2 months daughter lost her virginity and slept with half the local males, then suddenly became suicidal, came on icq and told me she'd taken a bottle of something so i told her i was calling her mother, she answered the phone before her mother heard it, after about 10 mins of crying and begging with her she took the phone to her mother, after i told her mother she took daughter to the hospital and they pumped her stomach then committed her for whatever the standard after suicide attempt time is
i haven't really spoken to her since. i felt betrayed, i felt hurt, and most of all i felt/feel that the person i knew/loved did die that day
soon after that i tried to talk to her several times, i didn't recognize the person i was talking to and i realized that i hadn't really recognized her for about a month.
that's not the only story i've got like that, but it's the one that's affected me most, and unfortunately it's not likely to be the last
the one good things i've learned from memories like that are; always have a safety person if you take any sort of brain chemistry altering drugs, someone you will listen to when they say "hey this is fucking you up, you're not you" or at least is bigger than you and will sit on you till it gets through your head, and that no matter how bad i ever get, i will never never never ever put my friends through what some of them put me through. if it gets THAT bad i tell someone i consider a good friend, i say help and help is the second hardest word for me to say. if i ever got to the point again where i wanted to die so badly that i couldn't ask for help then i'll go somewhere where nobody i love will find me and get it over with.
and moving on
charity posted a bunch of questions for people to respond and answer, i responded rather optimistically, and i kind of assumed that it was a case of me being optimistic to convince myself what i was saying was true (yknow, believe you're happy ....) then i re-read it and realized i really meant it
that aside from all the stupid shit that's happened
that since we moved here i've been TRUELY happy,
yeah i get upset sometimes,
yeah i get pissed off sometimes
but it isn't lasting anymore,
happy and content is my base mood with occasional shitty stuff
instead of depressed and crushed being my base mood overlaid with occasional splashes of happy
back to the insanity, i do consider myself very sane, but it's come to my attention lately that several people really do belive me to be VERY UNsane, but that's primarily because i'm not their version of normal, or whatever
which brang (brung? bringed?) about the realization that i'm much more comfortable from the inside out
my brain doesn't torment me and argue with me constantly anymore, that i have near total control over the people in my head that bitch at me and that i once believed were trying to kill me
i have a mental fist firmly around that frayed piece of matter that is my brain
holding it together
and it's no longer a struggle to do so
AND I DID IT MYSELF
help from kal telling me things repeatedly till i got it, forcing me to realize that i was doing my own version of playing martyr
inspiration from many people i talk to online and off
I AM NOT 'CURED' OR 'FIXED' because i was not sick or broken in the first place
and thusly i am no longer obsessed with the notion that i am "just" sick or broken which led me to the belief that i could be "cured"
i may relapse, i could get dumped, my house could burn down, i could crack and need locked up
*shrug*
i refuse to see myself as a series of high and lows, i refuse to waste time looking forward to something better
that was damaging to me
i will be always grateful for one of the most hot and uncomfortable times of my life
living at dom's house was a huge slap in the face, and had convinced myself that things were on an upswing that i would never have to take a step back again, the whole time in lodi i was focused only upon the something better, and totally not seeing the now
i've had this epiphany before, each time it becomes more severe and profound to me, hopefully i've understood this time
but if circumstances force me to learn this again so be it
i am happy
i like my brain chemicals the way they are
hehehe, i am the master of my domain?
IS.
BE.
listen to yourself eris.
