blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Apr. 27th, 2008 02:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hoveringsombreroIdeas I have to let go of include;
The idea that some brilliant epiphany will occur during insomnia, as some boyperson once said, something about being able to function without sleep or without food but not both. The idea that some day within this life that I will be DONE, the idea that enlightenment is about an end result, not the process, the idea that some day I will have figured all of this out, that I'll even understand what THIS is. The idea that I can make every thing, person, and concept fit into my pre-designed boxes. The idea that I can make ANYBODY understand a concept if I just explain it the right way ... I don't think I'll ever let go of that one. The idea that admitting weakness makes me less of me instead of being a part of the process of understanding me.
Why does decisionmaking get slower and slower the older I get? Why was it easy to accept that life is in the journey not the destination when I was younger, and becoming harder of a concept to grasp as the journey continues?
If I'm ever ridiculously wealthy my house is going to have an actual cave, with a computer that will only allow me to post, and do nothing else, not read, not respond, not receive emails. A plushy cave maybe. Dark. Soft, friendly stalactites and stalagmites. I can just go in my cave and figure out what needs to be figured out, and not come out till it's done. I guess my cave needs a bathroom and a kitchen.
When I'm having trouble sleeping I imagine I'm in such a cave, or a fully secure, secret underground bunker of some sort.
Why am I awake?
The idea that some brilliant epiphany will occur during insomnia, as some boyperson once said, something about being able to function without sleep or without food but not both. The idea that some day within this life that I will be DONE, the idea that enlightenment is about an end result, not the process, the idea that some day I will have figured all of this out, that I'll even understand what THIS is. The idea that I can make every thing, person, and concept fit into my pre-designed boxes. The idea that I can make ANYBODY understand a concept if I just explain it the right way ... I don't think I'll ever let go of that one. The idea that admitting weakness makes me less of me instead of being a part of the process of understanding me.
Why does decisionmaking get slower and slower the older I get? Why was it easy to accept that life is in the journey not the destination when I was younger, and becoming harder of a concept to grasp as the journey continues?
If I'm ever ridiculously wealthy my house is going to have an actual cave, with a computer that will only allow me to post, and do nothing else, not read, not respond, not receive emails. A plushy cave maybe. Dark. Soft, friendly stalactites and stalagmites. I can just go in my cave and figure out what needs to be figured out, and not come out till it's done. I guess my cave needs a bathroom and a kitchen.
When I'm having trouble sleeping I imagine I'm in such a cave, or a fully secure, secret underground bunker of some sort.
Why am I awake?
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 04:33 pm (UTC)When I was younger, I would be occasionally paralyzed with indecision, obsessed with figuring out every detail of every possible route that my decision could take me. As such, a lot of my life was.. stalled, and I regret that.
As I've gotten older, I've learned that life's a lot more fun if I just take the risks and accept the mistakes, since the good times will more than make up for them.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 04:54 pm (UTC)It's not that I didn't understand consequences when I was young, I just didn't care, or rather that was part of the fun of just living, that there were consequences.
Everything just seems far too significant the older I get, I'm being crushed by the significance of all the insignificant details of my insignificant life.
I've lost a lot of my fun.