But do I really want to get up that early on a Sunday?

In the spirit of trying to stop avoiding things I want to do, because other people think they're contradictory for me to do ...

There's a church in town I've been wanting to check out for some time, today I have discovered their activity calender and find out they have a BELL CHOIR in addition to regular choir. I loved bell choir, so much, always wanted to do it again, so that's another draw. I've mostly been shy of going by myself, have mentioned it to a couple friends and gotten reactions in the category of "FUCK, no!". So I'm on my own it seems. It'll be quite a bus ride, though it looks like I can do it in 2 or 3 buses. I'll probably waffle around about it for several more weeks or months before I get to it. But I think the decision scale has tilted to yes.

The topic of May 25ths, 10am service is Wisdom of Buddhism, that sounds really interesting, and that's about a month away, should be enough time to get my nerve up, etc. might also be a Sunday J's away working also. DAMN, the 11:30 next Sunday also looks interesting, damnitsosoon.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Ideas I have to let go of include;
The idea that some brilliant epiphany will occur during insomnia, as some boyperson once said, something about being able to function without sleep or without food but not both. The idea that some day within this life that I will be DONE, the idea that enlightenment is about an end result, not the process, the idea that some day I will have figured all of this out, that I'll even understand what THIS is. The idea that I can make every thing, person, and concept fit into my pre-designed boxes. The idea that I can make ANYBODY understand a concept if I just explain it the right way ... I don't think I'll ever let go of that one. The idea that admitting weakness makes me less of me instead of being a part of the process of understanding me.

Why does decisionmaking get slower and slower the older I get? Why was it easy to accept that life is in the journey not the destination when I was younger, and becoming harder of a concept to grasp as the journey continues?

If I'm ever ridiculously wealthy my house is going to have an actual cave, with a computer that will only allow me to post, and do nothing else, not read, not respond, not receive emails. A plushy cave maybe. Dark. Soft, friendly stalactites and stalagmites. I can just go in my cave and figure out what needs to be figured out, and not come out till it's done. I guess my cave needs a bathroom and a kitchen.

When I'm having trouble sleeping I imagine I'm in such a cave, or a fully secure, secret underground bunker of some sort.

Why am I awake?