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japan four!
Sep. 11th, 2003 04:30 pmdid you know that my most common complaint these days is i'm too quiet?
me?
you know what i think my biggest fault is? i think before i speak too much
at work this is ok, but here?
it's a combination of being shushed by drew for years and getting crap online when i was doing the cam thing.
so have some things public, hey?
i'm in love.
that would be the first time i've ever put those words in that particular order HERE.
yes it's a private thing, no i'm not in a relationship or plan to be anytime soon
"i'm breaking all the rules i didn't make"
i was in love with drew, i still love drew
i regret that i never just randomly told enough people
i would tell people how nifty i thought he was, but i thought it would be showing weakness to post something like that.
*sigh* and by proxy this means i still love who he loves, so part of me loves tracy.
but i have distanced from her, because it just tweaks me to watch him repeat the same patterns
other.people's.words.
he's back on his posting quotes kick and pity me i'm evil kick.
i nearly responded to one, but as i was composing it in my head ...
it ended with "but i love you"
whoah ....
yeah enough of that.
i do miss, yes. i miss my friend drew, i miss the guy that was happy with me.
as much as i hate to admit it, perhaps he was right in his repeated "we should never have tried to be more than just friends"
but he crossed a line, he crossed a MAJOR line, he lied to my face
continuously for a few hours, directly to my face, and made ma apologize for doubting him, and lied for months before that.
what happened? did i ever say publicly?
lessee, if you've read this far you may notice something i've lied to some of you about, and i'm sorry
but i was trying to pretend it wasn't happening/didn't happen
timeline
he dumped me via email on jan 6th (pinky's birthday!)
two weeks later we found out i was pregnant.
as happened the previous time i became very very sick
i got sicker than i needed to be because we let it go on too long because i was stupid and wouldn't tell anybody else who would go with me to doctors appts and such, and so i tried to work around his schedule.
the second, major appt he flaked, he told me he implied he was working, then when i couldn't find him at work, i went to his apt, his father said he'd left with some chick, i asked him later and he said he'd had a job interview in sac
then later julie posted that they'd been by looking at apartments
so i asked him, he said no, after the interview they went looking for an apt for just tracy.
anyway, there was no interview, he just ... i don't know why he did that to me, it was one of the hardest days of my life.
i really had only pinky to talk to, i ended up on my cell fon with pink in my car outside of drew's apt, crying and screaming,
trying to figure out wtf was going on.
anyway, i could barely work, i was very sick, this is the reason my occurrences are so high, i went to part time for a few months to try to avoid missing so much work i would get fired, i was barely paying rent, all medical expenses had to come out of pocket, which ended up being partially a very good long time friend of mine's pocket as well. grrrr.
to his credit drew was there for me for the thing, took me home, got me food, tucked me in, bought me chocolate bunnies on the way home as well. that i do appreciate more than anything.
my recovery was very hard. i was alone.
i spent a march, April and may being unable to sleep without vicodin or soma, up till very recently i'd been having two periods a month, and the er dr basically told me i'm bleeding from somewhere, bleh, anyway.
after the dumping, i continued to sleep with him,
then he started dating tracy in march, continued with the flirting online and stuff, then started up seeing him behind her back
and the sex, yes.
he told me he wasn't serious about her, but i told him, i'm fine with someone having another girlfriend this is not an issue with me but the lying is not something i could deal with for very long. and i said if his feelings change or he gets serious about her, then he either has to tell her or we stop things.
June 16th he messaged me with (not exact quote because i dun feel like turning on laptop)
something along the lines of it was too hard to continue contact with me, of any sort
bleh, dump #2
i wasn't very fazed, i was somewhat upset but was mostly of the state of mind of ahh fuck it.
well anyway a few weeks or so later i realized how angry i was, wanted a confrontation, felt like i deserved a goodbye.
threatened blackmail to get him to talk to me
he came over and lied to my face for a few hours
it all came out the next day tho, and i've not spoken to him since.
July 4th, independence day.
free of all the being lied to.
in juneish i started being more social at work
i've made quite a few friends now
i have a gaming group and we're talking about starting an SCA group
long long rant. purging.
my life has all turned upside down and backwards again.
i don't know if i'm moving,
it looks like the smartest thing is to stay here with his job and finish school.
ugh
but i feel like there's situations that are just going to get messy if i stay.
so i don't know what i'm going to do about that.
i don't know if i am
i'm tired of trying to MAKE things be the way they should
i need to just live.
let things take their course?
all i am sure of right now is love.
how much of a chick does that make me sound?
i'm in love with ______
i love pinky, i love nadin. i love being me.
and yes, i still love drew, and doug, and shelly, and even ..... julie.
even tho they're in an inactive or past category, i still love.
it's the way i am.
MEH.
me?
you know what i think my biggest fault is? i think before i speak too much
at work this is ok, but here?
it's a combination of being shushed by drew for years and getting crap online when i was doing the cam thing.
so have some things public, hey?
i'm in love.
that would be the first time i've ever put those words in that particular order HERE.
yes it's a private thing, no i'm not in a relationship or plan to be anytime soon
"i'm breaking all the rules i didn't make"
i was in love with drew, i still love drew
i regret that i never just randomly told enough people
i would tell people how nifty i thought he was, but i thought it would be showing weakness to post something like that.
*sigh* and by proxy this means i still love who he loves, so part of me loves tracy.
but i have distanced from her, because it just tweaks me to watch him repeat the same patterns
other.people's.words.
he's back on his posting quotes kick and pity me i'm evil kick.
i nearly responded to one, but as i was composing it in my head ...
it ended with "but i love you"
whoah ....
yeah enough of that.
i do miss, yes. i miss my friend drew, i miss the guy that was happy with me.
as much as i hate to admit it, perhaps he was right in his repeated "we should never have tried to be more than just friends"
but he crossed a line, he crossed a MAJOR line, he lied to my face
continuously for a few hours, directly to my face, and made ma apologize for doubting him, and lied for months before that.
what happened? did i ever say publicly?
lessee, if you've read this far you may notice something i've lied to some of you about, and i'm sorry
but i was trying to pretend it wasn't happening/didn't happen
timeline
he dumped me via email on jan 6th (pinky's birthday!)
two weeks later we found out i was pregnant.
as happened the previous time i became very very sick
i got sicker than i needed to be because we let it go on too long because i was stupid and wouldn't tell anybody else who would go with me to doctors appts and such, and so i tried to work around his schedule.
the second, major appt he flaked, he told me he implied he was working, then when i couldn't find him at work, i went to his apt, his father said he'd left with some chick, i asked him later and he said he'd had a job interview in sac
then later julie posted that they'd been by looking at apartments
so i asked him, he said no, after the interview they went looking for an apt for just tracy.
anyway, there was no interview, he just ... i don't know why he did that to me, it was one of the hardest days of my life.
i really had only pinky to talk to, i ended up on my cell fon with pink in my car outside of drew's apt, crying and screaming,
trying to figure out wtf was going on.
anyway, i could barely work, i was very sick, this is the reason my occurrences are so high, i went to part time for a few months to try to avoid missing so much work i would get fired, i was barely paying rent, all medical expenses had to come out of pocket, which ended up being partially a very good long time friend of mine's pocket as well. grrrr.
to his credit drew was there for me for the thing, took me home, got me food, tucked me in, bought me chocolate bunnies on the way home as well. that i do appreciate more than anything.
my recovery was very hard. i was alone.
i spent a march, April and may being unable to sleep without vicodin or soma, up till very recently i'd been having two periods a month, and the er dr basically told me i'm bleeding from somewhere, bleh, anyway.
after the dumping, i continued to sleep with him,
then he started dating tracy in march, continued with the flirting online and stuff, then started up seeing him behind her back
and the sex, yes.
he told me he wasn't serious about her, but i told him, i'm fine with someone having another girlfriend this is not an issue with me but the lying is not something i could deal with for very long. and i said if his feelings change or he gets serious about her, then he either has to tell her or we stop things.
June 16th he messaged me with (not exact quote because i dun feel like turning on laptop)
something along the lines of it was too hard to continue contact with me, of any sort
bleh, dump #2
i wasn't very fazed, i was somewhat upset but was mostly of the state of mind of ahh fuck it.
well anyway a few weeks or so later i realized how angry i was, wanted a confrontation, felt like i deserved a goodbye.
threatened blackmail to get him to talk to me
he came over and lied to my face for a few hours
it all came out the next day tho, and i've not spoken to him since.
July 4th, independence day.
free of all the being lied to.
in juneish i started being more social at work
i've made quite a few friends now
i have a gaming group and we're talking about starting an SCA group
long long rant. purging.
my life has all turned upside down and backwards again.
i don't know if i'm moving,
it looks like the smartest thing is to stay here with his job and finish school.
ugh
but i feel like there's situations that are just going to get messy if i stay.
so i don't know what i'm going to do about that.
i don't know if i am
i'm tired of trying to MAKE things be the way they should
i need to just live.
let things take their course?
all i am sure of right now is love.
how much of a chick does that make me sound?
i'm in love with ______
i love pinky, i love nadin. i love being me.
and yes, i still love drew, and doug, and shelly, and even ..... julie.
even tho they're in an inactive or past category, i still love.
it's the way i am.
MEH.
