it's my birthday

i'm not happy today
i spent my car ride home from work this morning trying not to cry
i'm very smell fixated, each time in my life has a smell

i wore a shirt which had been in my car and seemed clean
but the shirt was last worn during the end of kal
so i'm all night remembering all the wonderful birthdays with him.
and being mad at him, i'm still mad, i'm still hurt.

this whole happy thing you're seeing here in journal is by no means a farce
it is defiantly me, just every so often this right here is also me.
sometimes they co-exist

i just really hate birthdays.
i want everyone to remember and make me feel special.
but i feel like i'm forcing or asking for, or demanding that by even telling people when my birthday is.

i may be often happy, but i'm still lonely and i still hate birthdays
i'll be glad when midnight hits.

a public entry

yeah it's my birthday
may midnight come swiftly!

a wise redhead i know
hmmm i think most the redheads i know are pretty spiffy

a wise redhead i know told me that i have chronic throat problems because there's things i need to say that i'm not saying, that i'm repressing.

right off the bat i dismissed this as hocus pocus mumbo jumbo fluffy hippy bullshit

then thought about it,
and there is a pattern, and regardless of it has any connection to my throat issues.
it is something i need to work on.

i know many people think eris says everything and i'm very open, to a fault sometimes.
but i'm queen of talking forever and not saying a damn thing i'm actually feeling.

so from now on, when things scream to be said i should say them, not from a superstitious attempt to avoid throat stuff, but just to keep it from driving me crazy.

there's two things that always scream to be said when i talk to a certain person, so loud it gives me a headache, then when i can't take it anymore and blurt them out again, it turns into this big crying drama thing.
cause i'm a dumbass.


i have more to say but i have to leave
work work work
pleh, and i'm only half dressed, eeek!