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Jan. 26th, 2003
rant before sleep
Jan. 26th, 2003 03:10 amok, i just noticed i'd opened IRC
and cyd had oi'd at me
ack sorry, i was away dealing with stupid drunk brother
then i was writing email.
which brings me to a point, i think i freaked out my SIG, she hasn't been online since i sent her a bad msg. see i had a really bad night recently, in which i forgot i'm not THAT girl anymore and searched out a razor blade and tried to get closer to a vein in my wrist
i thought i'd chickened out before i'd succeaded in breaking the skin, but i noticed the next day i've got a couple little stabby marks there, *sigh*
i'm having regressing episodes but that's all they're going to be
i'm not that girl anymore, it's only stupid psycho echos in my brain triggered by recent trauma.
anyway my point is, i'm not ignoring anyone specifically (maybe SIG because i'm afraid she might be mad at me), but i am ignoring everyone, aside from a couple people and random outbursts in this journal i'm not talking about IT anymore, i'm tired. as much as my 'thing' is to work things out with babbling, once in a while i come up against a subject or situation that just IS NOT going to be solved that way, or anytime soon. and the constant discourse trying to figure out is just going to drive me insane, turn me back into that girl.
anyway, that night started out very bad, the whole day was bad, but it ended better
i learned a valuble lesson from that night, one that i already should have known but got proof.
after i calmed down, i wrote him a long letter, WITHOUT accusations or attacking, and got back one of the most honest responses from him ever.
this is just a situation and a person which i CANNOT by FORCE OF WILL make be fixed, and the more i try the more i'm going to break it. if i just calm down, quit trying and just express myself i get the same in response.
now i'm going to sleep
still alone
still too sad for words.
but still too stuborn to break.
and cyd had oi'd at me
ack sorry, i was away dealing with stupid drunk brother
then i was writing email.
which brings me to a point, i think i freaked out my SIG, she hasn't been online since i sent her a bad msg. see i had a really bad night recently, in which i forgot i'm not THAT girl anymore and searched out a razor blade and tried to get closer to a vein in my wrist
i thought i'd chickened out before i'd succeaded in breaking the skin, but i noticed the next day i've got a couple little stabby marks there, *sigh*
i'm having regressing episodes but that's all they're going to be
i'm not that girl anymore, it's only stupid psycho echos in my brain triggered by recent trauma.
anyway my point is, i'm not ignoring anyone specifically (maybe SIG because i'm afraid she might be mad at me), but i am ignoring everyone, aside from a couple people and random outbursts in this journal i'm not talking about IT anymore, i'm tired. as much as my 'thing' is to work things out with babbling, once in a while i come up against a subject or situation that just IS NOT going to be solved that way, or anytime soon. and the constant discourse trying to figure out is just going to drive me insane, turn me back into that girl.
anyway, that night started out very bad, the whole day was bad, but it ended better
i learned a valuble lesson from that night, one that i already should have known but got proof.
after i calmed down, i wrote him a long letter, WITHOUT accusations or attacking, and got back one of the most honest responses from him ever.
this is just a situation and a person which i CANNOT by FORCE OF WILL make be fixed, and the more i try the more i'm going to break it. if i just calm down, quit trying and just express myself i get the same in response.
now i'm going to sleep
still alone
still too sad for words.
but still too stuborn to break.
can't seem to get enough sleep anymore
had fun laughing at stupid drunk brother last night
met two of his friends which i'd heard their names but not met
my brother is in the bathroom puking and cussing
*snork*
he just walked down the hall muttering "piece of ass ... candy"
one more day of work before my days off
and it's superbowl sunday
joy.
feel my sarcasm ooooze out of the page.
so i'm going to be surrounded by sports fans which are bitter that they have to work.
there's a supprisingly large number of sports fans at my work.
maybe not so supprising judging by the large amount of people which work there.
had fun laughing at stupid drunk brother last night
met two of his friends which i'd heard their names but not met
my brother is in the bathroom puking and cussing
*snork*
he just walked down the hall muttering "piece of ass ... candy"
one more day of work before my days off
and it's superbowl sunday
joy.
feel my sarcasm ooooze out of the page.
so i'm going to be surrounded by sports fans which are bitter that they have to work.
there's a supprisingly large number of sports fans at my work.
maybe not so supprising judging by the large amount of people which work there.