don't you cry tonight

breaking badly-held-to-silence moving on

i got to talk to kal in person tonight
i was asked to return to my practice of respecting his privacy in my journal.

so i'll be less details and last post about this.
there were compromises but things in general remain the same
it sucks, it's going to be hard
but i do agree with him for the most part
it does bother me that my emotional explosion here portrays the whole thing as something it's not, but the important thing is, even if it annoys me when i read back later i'll understand. not how i should have vented but it was needed.

but i'm calm now
this too shall pass

i thank you all for the sympathetic responses but i'm sorry i exploded
things are going to be difficult in my life for a while
but some things will be staying out of journal.

on the subject of me, i will be using my mental health portion of my benefits and finding a therapist. no drugs for me but there are behaviors that need to stop.
i need to quit blaming things on my past and quit reacting to present things as if they were past things. no more excuses, time to get rid of my ghosts.

and from now on anything regarding the above paragraph will not be posted publicly
i know a lot of you mean well and would like to give advice regarding the above two subjects.
but ..... too many cooks frappe the eris brain.

i am strong.

i will overcome.

i will succeed

i will survive.
(do not cue the singing)

for me.

crap and ick

i'm sick
nothing to be done about it i have to go to work.

#1 i can't afford the loss of pay

#2 i'm not anywhere near being in trouble but it's unacceptable to me

#3 i can only make local calls from my home phone and i'm out of mins on my fon so i couldn't call in sick ANYWAY

so there, fuck you sore throat and stuffiness we're going anyway

achey

my legs are achey, i'm going to take some pain killers and try to sleep a couple more hours before i go to work

ugh what a day

somuchfornotwhiney

after my last post i laid down and tried to sleep
legs were aching so bad and throat was hurting so much i couldn't relax

so i rolled over and looked at the clock
figured i had enough time to go to the doctor and if was strep get some antibiotics
or if wasn't maybe they could give me something to make working easier

well they tested me for strep, not strep, it took a while so before the results came back for the strep i called work to let them know i'd be late and to ask what i'm to do if it's strep, lady was like, don't come anywhere near the building if it's strep!
so i asked what if it isn't what should i do
she say ask doctor if it's contagious, explain your work environment.

so when he came back and said not strep i explained work environment and asked, he said no you're probably contagious and even if you're not you'll probably catch something in your state, you must take a couple days off work
wrote me a note.
gave me a prescription for 800mg ibuprofen and told me to get JUST a decongestant, because it may be just as simple as my sinuses draining down the back of my throat, but even if it was more sinuses were still making it worse.

so i went over to mother's and she got prescription for me and a decongestant. then gave me some money.

so on the way home i went to the wendy's in ceres
after ordering the spring mix salad and paying lady says "oh! i'm sorry we're out of the vinaigrette" i think "well that's rather the whole appeal of the salad" but i take it anyway, as i'm leaving the parking lot i have a bright idea, so i go a new way home that will take me by the turlock wendy's, as i'm driving i'm thinking i'll just go in and explain that the other wendy's didn't have the right dressing.

then i remembered a kalism never give more information than is necessary

ahHA!

simplicity

i walk into the turlock wendy's bag containing salad in hand (left RANCH they gave me in the car) walk up to the counter, look distressed, say four little words
i need some dressing
counter monkey looks worried, glares over to the drive thru workers, says
"what kind?
i say vinaigrette, two please

success is mine!

ugh

my legs ache so badly
please ibuprofen work now

on my hand

i still have the words

Don't
Panic!

written on my hand.
best.advice a hand ever gave

oooh

medicine kicking in
feeling pleasantly fuzzy

going to off turn laptop and snuggle with book