it's bone-chillingly cold as snow falls softly onto a winter scene</fo

strange surreal anime playing on the television
i'm going crazy not having my own room, but it's a nice slow crazy, so i can deal for now
the tv just said "nothing good could ever come of staying with normal people"

............................................................

left this window open and forgot about it, for many hours in fact
then i tried to post it and livejournal was down
and yet still i keep looking away from this window

i'm just sorta discontented, and then notso, and then still mellow, but not unhappy
miss-place-ed
kal tells me i worry too much, but i'm always amused at the things that worry other people but don't bother me
for instance, my family or old friends(lovers) finding my site and journal, or my pictures on nakedparts
who gives a flying fuck, already one ex (one i dated the longest no less) reads my journal and randomly comments (and i know at least one more ex knows about it all even if they don't visit my sites), and he's already seen me naked so why should pictures matter, i did startle a few days ago when i saw a userpic of a member in nakedparts that looked like an ex.
my brother knows about my site and livejournal, although i think he purposely doesn't read my livejournal or pretends not to, damn i should call him again soon

which brings me to thinking about my mother somehow, my brother told her that i was already in L.A. but she only left one message on the message service that's still active (gonna be shut off finally in a couple days) didn't make much of an effort did she? at least she's not stalking me on message boards (she did that once when i was with mrradio) i'm really curious to she what she does when she finally tries to call again and gets the number disconnected message

i would really like to tell/write/email her and tell her i don't wish to have any contact with her for at least a few years, but she'll argue, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll turn everything around on me. i would like to be able to make her see why i avoid her, to get it through her head what it is she does that hurts me.
but she'd just end up further convinced of all the bad things she already thinks about me
she loves me, but she doesn't like me.
she won't ever live up to what i think a mother should be, so i've just got to learn to stop expecting her to

i really liked the therapist i had with kaiser, i guess i'll have to brave that whole finding one that i get along with thing after we move

strange strange turn this entry took

blah MOTHER

ooooooo

sudden momentary excitement, hehe
i was looking at some pictures of a really cute livejournal chick and i noticed a door in the background, and i thought "nifty, i've never lived anywhere with doors like that" well except maybe the front door of my house so maybe she lives in a small apt and that's her front door? i think i remember the warped house having inside doors like that though

anyway i just had a brief flash of excitement as i wondered what kind of place we'll move into when we move to L.A. new is fun.

oooo! and dom just told me that yesterday he ran into .... i'm not quite sure how to refer to her in relation to me, she's not an ex... an old friend that i had a lot of "fun" with? hehe
anyway he said that she said she's planning on coming over and visiting soon, i hope so
*bounce*

oh yeah i'm bored, so send me money via paypal so i can play on ebay! (if you think i'm serious don't send it to eris@eriscam.com cause that's not my paypal email)
>:)

oh fuck off

i HATE YOU ALL, but only for the moment, i'll be fine after i sleep
i was about to sleep, got up to go to the bathroom and i find out that dishes needed to be done before nick(dom's dad) gets home from work or he'll bitch
i'm not going to be awake before then, so yay i got to stumble around and do dishes, fucking blah
i just wanted to smash all the plates on the floor and climb back in the bedcave

too warm, I NEED AIR CONDITIONING! anyone with AC send me a plane ticket and you've got your very own eris, oh yeah you must also provide me with a room with a lock on it, that's all i ask

no elaborate fantasies for eris, just climate control and a bedroom sized room with a LOCK on it, not even internet access, fuck you all, gimmie a week of locked in a 60degree room snuggled in a nice comfy bed and ill be cured

heat and need for sleep piss me off, so i shall now fix one of them, shutting down the laptop too, it's generating too much heat

told ya i'd be fine after i slept

i got woken up by spanky handing me the phone (was so asleep i didn't hear it ring) and it was that nice mexican boy telling me he got free tickets to a knights tale screening and would i like to go and get some dinner too

oooh i've got a date
i'm all dressed now, gotta find shoes, i don't think he knows i'm out of the shower yet