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hoveringsombrerostrange surreal anime playing on the television
i'm going crazy not having my own room, but it's a nice slow crazy, so i can deal for now
the tv just said "nothing good could ever come of staying with normal people"
............................................................
left this window open and forgot about it, for many hours in fact
then i tried to post it and livejournal was down
and yet still i keep looking away from this window
i'm just sorta discontented, and then notso, and then still mellow, but not unhappy
miss-place-ed
kal tells me i worry too much, but i'm always amused at the things that worry other people but don't bother me
for instance, my family or old friends(lovers) finding my site and journal, or my pictures on nakedparts
who gives a flying fuck, already one ex (one i dated the longest no less) reads my journal and randomly comments (and i know at least one more ex knows about it all even if they don't visit my sites), and he's already seen me naked so why should pictures matter, i did startle a few days ago when i saw a userpic of a member in nakedparts that looked like an ex.
my brother knows about my site and livejournal, although i think he purposely doesn't read my livejournal or pretends not to, damn i should call him again soon
which brings me to thinking about my mother somehow, my brother told her that i was already in L.A. but she only left one message on the message service that's still active (gonna be shut off finally in a couple days) didn't make much of an effort did she? at least she's not stalking me on message boards (she did that once when i was with mrradio) i'm really curious to she what she does when she finally tries to call again and gets the number disconnected message
i would really like to tell/write/email her and tell her i don't wish to have any contact with her for at least a few years, but she'll argue, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll turn everything around on me. i would like to be able to make her see why i avoid her, to get it through her head what it is she does that hurts me.
but she'd just end up further convinced of all the bad things she already thinks about me
she loves me, but she doesn't like me.
she won't ever live up to what i think a mother should be, so i've just got to learn to stop expecting her to
i really liked the therapist i had with kaiser, i guess i'll have to brave that whole finding one that i get along with thing after we move
strange strange turn this entry took
blahMOTHER
i'm going crazy not having my own room, but it's a nice slow crazy, so i can deal for now
the tv just said "nothing good could ever come of staying with normal people"
............................................................
left this window open and forgot about it, for many hours in fact
then i tried to post it and livejournal was down
and yet still i keep looking away from this window
i'm just sorta discontented, and then notso, and then still mellow, but not unhappy
miss-place-ed
kal tells me i worry too much, but i'm always amused at the things that worry other people but don't bother me
for instance, my family or old friends(lovers) finding my site and journal, or my pictures on nakedparts
who gives a flying fuck, already one ex (one i dated the longest no less) reads my journal and randomly comments (and i know at least one more ex knows about it all even if they don't visit my sites), and he's already seen me naked so why should pictures matter, i did startle a few days ago when i saw a userpic of a member in nakedparts that looked like an ex.
my brother knows about my site and livejournal, although i think he purposely doesn't read my livejournal or pretends not to, damn i should call him again soon
which brings me to thinking about my mother somehow, my brother told her that i was already in L.A. but she only left one message on the message service that's still active (gonna be shut off finally in a couple days) didn't make much of an effort did she? at least she's not stalking me on message boards (she did that once when i was with mrradio) i'm really curious to she what she does when she finally tries to call again and gets the number disconnected message
i would really like to tell/write/email her and tell her i don't wish to have any contact with her for at least a few years, but she'll argue, she'll whine, she'll cry, she'll turn everything around on me. i would like to be able to make her see why i avoid her, to get it through her head what it is she does that hurts me.
but she'd just end up further convinced of all the bad things she already thinks about me
she loves me, but she doesn't like me.
she won't ever live up to what i think a mother should be, so i've just got to learn to stop expecting her to
i really liked the therapist i had with kaiser, i guess i'll have to brave that whole finding one that i get along with thing after we move
strange strange turn this entry took
blah
