.*pouty face*

well i slept allot and i'm kinda on the cusp of better
not major improvments, i hope i'll see more of that later today

well i can see spanky so i know they're at cyd's

ahh, kal finally noticed the computer and looked at irc

ok no whiney gf rant about being ingored

ugh cough cough cough

(60 words or less, double spaced)

well..

if it's banging around in your head talk about it till it stops bugging you?

i do allot of pondering when i'm sick, this time it wasn't particularly happy pondering

i've got allot of excess emotional baggage, and it SHOULD be dealt with but i mostly try to ignore it and just live, but from time to time it comes up and fucks with my day to day life. however, as i was sick and pondering i realized that a good part of my -i hate to say depression- despondency in the past year or more has been my weight. i was NEVER the chubby kid, i lived most my childhood nearly anorexic looking, just cause i had a great metabolism. but college and a couple bad relationships and a slew of heath problems later, i'm just not skinny.

believe it or not i AM thinner than i look on cam, and i'm really not horribly overweight, but i am to me. and my sick pondering coupled with my recent nakeyness on cam has got me realizing that i miss me, i don't even attempt to dress up hardly anymore cause i feel it doesn't do any good, this is bad

some would say, oh embrace your body the way it is, love yourself, blah blah blah, nope, i like ME, i like the person inside here, it's the outside that needs to change, and the only reason it hasn't is cause i am UNmotivated, i could be back to what i consider "perfect" in a month if i could just get my mind to stick to it. i know, i've done it before. the problem is, HA! get this, i'm too happy. what a paradox, i'm unhappy cause of my weight but i don't have that push to do something about it cause i'm not in a bad relationship.

it's all talk and it's all bullshit until i do something about it
and i've GOT to do something about it

wow

hehe, looks like i've become one of those livejournal friends that frustrate spanky, too many long entries. i guess i've just had allot to say lately.

well i'm still determined to fix what i wrote about in the last entry, it was sweet of elvis to say he likes me the way i am, but the bottom line is *i* don't and that's kinda the catch, anyhow like i said it IS possible for me to drop ALL the weight in a month, but it is very possible that my doing that several times before may be the reason i eventually gained it back. i'm just impatient and i want things NOW. so i'm going to try a different tack, no big goals, start small, yoga/exercise ONCE a week, i can do that.

there's the key phrase"i can do that" (ithinkicanithinkican)

if you're not happy with something change it. i say that to people all the time, and lately kal has been saying it to me

Time to listen.

and it looks like i've been forgotten by QT, *pout* *sigh* i was really wanting to get out tonight, i'm going stir crazy, and nadin hasn't called either and i thought she was supposed to be back in town, oh well

stuff to do
feeling better

.

:)
well look at me the not forgotten one

qt's coming over in a bit, and going OUT
yay i get to get out of the house
:)