public service announcement

[hoveringsombrero]

i'm equal parts deliriously happy and confused.
it's confusing, to say the least.
no i think that's not quite right
i think i'm 80% happy and 20% confused
that's a pretty good mix

but not distressing.

i don't know what i'm going to do in a lot of things
but i'm pretty confident in that i'll end up doing what's best for eris.

i may never fully accept that there's just some decisions i can't make for others
i cannot thru force of eris will MAKE the people i care about BE HAPPY
i may never be able to totally stop trying.
just try to be the best friend i can to the people who care about me as well.
i suck at nonphysical comfort
i'm great for hugs and kissface


there was a time period in which i wanted very badly just to turn all control over to pinky
here! let me just go away and you decide my life!
just to like curl up inside my brain and sleep for a few months.

no regrets.

most people at work had no clue about anything until it was all over
i think it was assumed i was single, which was right, but i never said.
a couple people whom i now talk to a lot refer to drew as "the asshole"
bleh, and still i defend.

it just ended badly. i still believe i fucked a lot of shit up to cause it to end badly.
i think pinky still thinks i should be more angry.

i probably would change how it ended if i could, but i wouldn't take back the three years prior
not for anything.

he ended up to be just like everyone else,
and i'm still not convinced that i don't cause that to happen.
but i was truly happy with him for quite a long time,
and he helped change me for the better,
i'm not the same person as i was before him

the stress of the last year and a half, nearly two years now have regressed me a little
i'm too damn quiet, i get too meek when upset still.
but that's just surface stuff, the core is eris of steel.

do i think i could have done that without him?
probably ... maybe, mostly, i think it may have taken longer.

regardless i only regret the things i have not done.
i don't regret being with him
i don't regret loving him.
i regret not telling him how i felt, when i felt it.
even tho i see now that that probably would have changed nothing.

it is my belief that everything that has happened to me has made me the person i am right now
i like me, quite a lot.
so if i could go back and remove or change bad things, i wouldn't
because what if that specific thing or things was a pivotal factor in who i am?

Comments

[jvtazz.livejournal.com]

Asshole maybe to harsh a word....then again.....how about complete and total dumb shit??? is that a little bit better miss defend those who don't deserve ur time or ur effort if they were worth being defended by u then they wouldn't need to be defended by u. Everyone can go on believing that eris core is still, but those who know u best *nudges pinky and nadin* know better

[eris.livejournal.com]

how it ended does not change that facts of how much good he was for me, for a time.

but, i suppose, nor does it excuse how it ended.

[jvtazz.livejournal.com]

Nor does it excuse the fact that he doesn't deserve ur defense no one who is worthy of it should need it so stop defending him. Regardless of the fact that he was good for u the shit that was pulled just shows u the fact that he wasn't worthy of ur time nor is he worthy of anyone else's time specifically the one who believes the sun rises and sets in his ass! heh

[eris.livejournal.com]

i do not know how to respond to this
i have filled this reply box three times and erased it


so i'll have to ponder on it.

[eris.livejournal.com]

i have done no trash talk.
i do not here, or offline talk shit about him.

i have recently rediscovered i'm free of the pain.
i still think of things sometimes and am sad, part of me still loves him
but i no longer hurt.
he can no longer hurt me.
also realized i was tired of keeping some things secret,
needed to purge,
everything i posted involved ME, i did not say word one about his issues he asked me not to post about.

i'm sorry you have to forget to deal and move on, but whatever is best for you.
i don't forget, it's bad for me, i've done it too much in the past, now i must face things, i purge i vent, then i can keep moving.

if he is good guy, wonderful prince drew, then none of this should bother you or him,
because "good" drew is not the guy that did any of that
especially since there's a high possibility i cause people to do that to me,
you're not me, hence he wouldn't be the guy who hurt me if i caused him to do so.

i cannot live my life tiptoeing around things which i shouldn't say in case i piss off or upset my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend.
if my words, about the past year of my life, upset you, or put him "into such a rage"
best you both stop reading and pretend i don't exist

which is what i advised you to do in the first place
assume i'm insane, vindictive, whathaveyou,
write me off,
move on.

all he needs to know is that i'm happy
which is what he said he wanted.
i'm trying to dump the dross out of my head to figure out the confusing parts of the happy.
and it's going to continue when the mood strikes.

[jvtazz.livejournal.com]

OMG I don't even know u and i feel so sorry for what will happen in the future. You are so blind to what is sitting right in front of u, that or u are choosing to ignore it. She did for the longest time, now apparently it's ur turn. Just becareful that ur not the one who is apologizing when he's the one that fucked up. Why is it that some people are just so blind? Ugh pitifully useless to happines...

[scsi.livejournal.com]

When you and me going to denny's woman!

[eris.livejournal.com]

FEED MEH I ARE POOR BITCH!
i love those new nacho things at denny's

you don't keep the hours i do tho,
whenever a bunch of us go denny's after work i check fonaim to see if you're on.
but i expect you're probably sleeping.

[pinkfu.livejournal.com]

Like I said, totally different person from then and recent, yanno?

No need to be more angry.

[eris.livejournal.com]

totally different person .. him or me?