a babbleponder (WARNING: very long)
Aug. 1st, 2003 05:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hoveringsombrerotalking to a friend on fon before i slept and he sorta brought up something i've been pondering
i'm not sure if i can put this all into words very well, i was trying to make examples of things talking to him and none of it was coming out right.
let's try simplistic,
i'll even use the hated word belief for this.
i don't believe in monogamy,
in a broad sweeping general way.
i think it's bad, however at the same time for some people it can be the best.thing.ever.
but largely it seems to be just base selfishness, a need to possess someone excluding all others
i don't think there should have to be any rules at all, if two people truly love each other, they should just BE, and no outside forces should affect that, even loving an other(s) as well.
however in reality relationships need guidelines no matter what sort of relationship it is. there will always be misunderstandings and insecurity, and from time to time even jealousy no matter how much some of us would like to believe themselves above it.
it pains me to see people in a 'normal relationship' who are just so obviously trying to squish themselves into what is the ideal, what you're suppose to be. trying with all their energy to convince everyone who will listen how happy they are.
there is only so much you can "fix" or "change" someone. fixing is a whole other topic, but changing is futile
if you're absolutely miserable 50% (or more) of the time, doesn't matter how happy you are the other 50%,
you need to get out.
in an extreme example, a guy who beats his wife/girlfriend may be the most perfect guy EVER when he's not in his "moods" he may make her happier than she's ever been when he's nice guy. none of this justifies the beating the crap out of her.
no amount of treating you well justifies or fixes treating you badly, unless the treating you badly STOPS.
this is an IS, this is a duh.
i also understand it's hard, believe me i do. more than I'd like to understand.
so then, because i worry, i think, am i seeing "normal" relationships this way because i've just been hurt too much?
is my view tainted because i'm wary and unwilling to trust beyond friendship at this time?
am i hiding behind all this because i'm scared?
i think yes and no.
i don't see every "normal" relationship that way
as much as the bad pains me, the truly happy ones overjoy me
makes me frightened for them, but alas
better to have loved and lost, hey?
the really happy ones i want to "convert" hee
envy? maybe a little
at the very least i like to be around it
people in love which is not tainted by the overbearing jealousy and lies which seem so commonplace, is wonderful
i think they should share! heh, but i don't go pushing my "beliefs"on other people
especially since doing so could ruin what they have if it's not for them
i have a silly crush on a married couple
they're not perfect, they've both got trust and jealousy issues from past relationships
but their sharing of their love is pure.
just to be in the same room when they give each other "that look" is nice, makes me all happy.
which, after all that wandering babble brings me to the next thing
i believe in love
and THIS HERE is my best attempt at putting it into words, to date.
the most startling thing, to me, out of the past year is that i no longer blame or hate love
for years, too many "heartbreaks" i got bitter
i would say "the L word" i would avoid it like the plague
i had decided that "I love you." meant "Trust me and love me and let down your guard so i can hurt you as much as possible."
pff!
i just don't think that way anymore. if we go by the theory in the above link, hating and blaming love is just another creative way for me to do my blame everything on eris bit
not healthy not constructive in the slightest.
i have accepted love.
i have loved, i do love, i will love, i love. i will likely get hurt many more times, that's the way it goes.
this is where i start to sound like a crazy hippy, heh
i love freely and without prejudice, sometimes stupidly.
but i will do that no matter how much i deny or try to control
and i've discovered that squishing love hurts more than it not being returned.
my love doesn't require you to love me in return, it would be nice. heh i'd like that to happen again someday and i'm sure it will
i'm pretty certain i have several friends which love me quite lots, friendlove is bestest.
relationshiplove should be more like friendlove, less exclusive and jealous
of course my girlbrain wanders, thinks about horribly romantic proposals, weddings, "happily ever after"
this is just fantasy, i cannot give myself to any one person, not now, maybe not ever
maybe someday, who knows what will happen.
i rather think that someone who would want to share their love with me that much, would understand me as much as is possible to understand another person
and wouldn't try to change me, good relationships, even friendships have compromise, naturally
but if you need to try to change me into something else, perhaps you just need to go find that something else, as obviously i'm not it.
very likely that someday i will get fantasy, but maybe the eris version, with like-minded person/people
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. (2 Cor 6.14a, NKJ)
difference of opinion is good, agreeing to disagree is good, but there is a point where in order to make any sort of relationship work you must have some similar beliefs
not particularly religion, persay, as people like to use that verse to support, altho that is true for some people.
but trying to have a relationship with a monogamous person and an actively polyamorous person has just got far too many strikes against it from the get go
it's bound to happen, monogamy is the acceptable way to be, so the chances of "falling in love" with someone who is are high.
in conclusion
the original point to all of this was am i hiding behind all of this because i'm scared to let people to close to me
scared of relationships.
the answer still is, yes and no.
this is all a very good way to keep people at arm's length
i'm avoiding trying to date for a few reasons
#1 i'm going to move away
#2 i've decided that if i'm going to be, whoring around as it were, that i prefer friends, people i like. fuckfriends if you will.
is not to say i'll turn down a one night stand if person appeals to me.
#3 i'm not looking forward to the inevitable situation of meeting someone i really like, who is interested in an exclusive relationship, and having to try to explain, and the ick that follows.
it's bound to happen i'm sure, also the other will as well, where i might appeal to someone because they've read something like this, or overheard me talking, or something i say gets repeated and they think "oh, she'll sleep with anybody"
IF I SLEPT WITH ANYBODY I'D BE GETTING LAID A WHOLE HELLOFALOT MORE
*grumble*
so there wasn't a clear answer to all of this
i may be using my "beliefs" as armor to keep people at a distance
but that doesn't make them any less valid
only means i should learn not to do that, hide behind them so much, that is.
END(for now)
i'm not sure if i can put this all into words very well, i was trying to make examples of things talking to him and none of it was coming out right.
let's try simplistic,
i'll even use the hated word belief for this.
i don't believe in monogamy,
in a broad sweeping general way.
i think it's bad, however at the same time for some people it can be the best.thing.ever.
but largely it seems to be just base selfishness, a need to possess someone excluding all others
i don't think there should have to be any rules at all, if two people truly love each other, they should just BE, and no outside forces should affect that, even loving an other(s) as well.
however in reality relationships need guidelines no matter what sort of relationship it is. there will always be misunderstandings and insecurity, and from time to time even jealousy no matter how much some of us would like to believe themselves above it.
it pains me to see people in a 'normal relationship' who are just so obviously trying to squish themselves into what is the ideal, what you're suppose to be. trying with all their energy to convince everyone who will listen how happy they are.
there is only so much you can "fix" or "change" someone. fixing is a whole other topic, but changing is futile
if you're absolutely miserable 50% (or more) of the time, doesn't matter how happy you are the other 50%,
you need to get out.
in an extreme example, a guy who beats his wife/girlfriend may be the most perfect guy EVER when he's not in his "moods" he may make her happier than she's ever been when he's nice guy. none of this justifies the beating the crap out of her.
no amount of treating you well justifies or fixes treating you badly, unless the treating you badly STOPS.
this is an IS, this is a duh.
i also understand it's hard, believe me i do. more than I'd like to understand.
so then, because i worry, i think, am i seeing "normal" relationships this way because i've just been hurt too much?
is my view tainted because i'm wary and unwilling to trust beyond friendship at this time?
am i hiding behind all this because i'm scared?
i think yes and no.
i don't see every "normal" relationship that way
as much as the bad pains me, the truly happy ones overjoy me
makes me frightened for them, but alas
better to have loved and lost, hey?
the really happy ones i want to "convert" hee
envy? maybe a little
at the very least i like to be around it
people in love which is not tainted by the overbearing jealousy and lies which seem so commonplace, is wonderful
i think they should share! heh, but i don't go pushing my "beliefs"on other people
especially since doing so could ruin what they have if it's not for them
i have a silly crush on a married couple
they're not perfect, they've both got trust and jealousy issues from past relationships
but their sharing of their love is pure.
just to be in the same room when they give each other "that look" is nice, makes me all happy.
which, after all that wandering babble brings me to the next thing
i believe in love
and THIS HERE is my best attempt at putting it into words, to date.
the most startling thing, to me, out of the past year is that i no longer blame or hate love
for years, too many "heartbreaks" i got bitter
i would say "the L word" i would avoid it like the plague
i had decided that "I love you." meant "Trust me and love me and let down your guard so i can hurt you as much as possible."
pff!
i just don't think that way anymore. if we go by the theory in the above link, hating and blaming love is just another creative way for me to do my blame everything on eris bit
not healthy not constructive in the slightest.
i have accepted love.
i have loved, i do love, i will love, i love. i will likely get hurt many more times, that's the way it goes.
this is where i start to sound like a crazy hippy, heh
i love freely and without prejudice, sometimes stupidly.
but i will do that no matter how much i deny or try to control
and i've discovered that squishing love hurts more than it not being returned.
my love doesn't require you to love me in return, it would be nice. heh i'd like that to happen again someday and i'm sure it will
i'm pretty certain i have several friends which love me quite lots, friendlove is bestest.
relationshiplove should be more like friendlove, less exclusive and jealous
of course my girlbrain wanders, thinks about horribly romantic proposals, weddings, "happily ever after"
this is just fantasy, i cannot give myself to any one person, not now, maybe not ever
maybe someday, who knows what will happen.
i rather think that someone who would want to share their love with me that much, would understand me as much as is possible to understand another person
and wouldn't try to change me, good relationships, even friendships have compromise, naturally
but if you need to try to change me into something else, perhaps you just need to go find that something else, as obviously i'm not it.
very likely that someday i will get fantasy, but maybe the eris version, with like-minded person/people
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. (2 Cor 6.14a, NKJ)
difference of opinion is good, agreeing to disagree is good, but there is a point where in order to make any sort of relationship work you must have some similar beliefs
not particularly religion, persay, as people like to use that verse to support, altho that is true for some people.
but trying to have a relationship with a monogamous person and an actively polyamorous person has just got far too many strikes against it from the get go
it's bound to happen, monogamy is the acceptable way to be, so the chances of "falling in love" with someone who is are high.
in conclusion
the original point to all of this was am i hiding behind all of this because i'm scared to let people to close to me
scared of relationships.
the answer still is, yes and no.
this is all a very good way to keep people at arm's length
i'm avoiding trying to date for a few reasons
#1 i'm going to move away
#2 i've decided that if i'm going to be, whoring around as it were, that i prefer friends, people i like. fuckfriends if you will.
is not to say i'll turn down a one night stand if person appeals to me.
#3 i'm not looking forward to the inevitable situation of meeting someone i really like, who is interested in an exclusive relationship, and having to try to explain, and the ick that follows.
it's bound to happen i'm sure, also the other will as well, where i might appeal to someone because they've read something like this, or overheard me talking, or something i say gets repeated and they think "oh, she'll sleep with anybody"
IF I SLEPT WITH ANYBODY I'D BE GETTING LAID A WHOLE HELLOFALOT MORE
*grumble*
so there wasn't a clear answer to all of this
i may be using my "beliefs" as armor to keep people at a distance
but that doesn't make them any less valid
only means i should learn not to do that, hide behind them so much, that is.
END(for now)
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-04 11:36 pm (UTC)Real day-to-day monogamy happens all the time, and it is good for many people.
It's the cultural ideal which is impossible to reach. And this ruins monogamy for so many people who would otherwise be happy, either in monogamy or outside of it depending on their individual temperaments.