hoveringsombrero | public confessional

you know i really like the free zones or post anything posts?
but you know that applies to all my posts.

so you know if i'm being all gut spilly it's quite all right to respond in kind.

i am not perfect.
of course i'm angry, hurt, sad, etc.
but not so much anymore
i'm not pretending to be perfectly ok just so certain persons won't know they're hurting me
i'm pretending to be perfectly ok because it's an act of will, it becomes true.

i am not squishing or denying anything i'm feeling,
i'm dealing. one of the important things i've learned over the last few years is what needs to be public and what doesn't.
for me.
there comes a point where i'm just beating a dead horse in public,
there comes a point where any talking i need to do must be limited to certain people

"who is she trying so hard to convince, herself?"
yes, yes indeed, doesn't make anything i'm saying any less true
all me's are still me you know
the calm is me
the accepting is me
the angry is me
the hurt is me
the love is me
the happy is me
etc. etc. etc.
co-existence

i have a feeling i'm about to misquote some cheesy slogan
decide it's true. act like it's true. it becomes true.

it's not very easy for most of us to "just stop" bad or hurtful or unhealthy behaviour
but deciding you can, deciding you WILL is the first step

no doubting.

i had a difficult talk with pinky last night
but for the first time this week i went to sleep happy and un-drugaieded
and without pretending i was someone else or somewhere else or that none of this had happened.