hoveringsombrero | you are the greatest thing the greatest thing since bread came sliced

i should be unhappy and i am
and yet i'm very happy and content
you'd think after 26 i mean 18 years of being me i'd get use to the plurality of myself.

i baffle me sometimes, but at least there's happy and content alongside the sad
don't question just be.

more and more as time passes i just don't grok jealousy
i think that i may never not have flashes from time to time,
but i know how to deal with it, i don't ignore it, i face it
i grab it by it's fuzzy green ears and demand to know what's under it's mask
usually insecurity or lonely, i'm unsure if jealousy is ever it's own thing and not just a symptom

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

i can think back to the past and see times where i have been severely possessed by this thing
and i cannot fathom why
i find myself thinking up scenarios or putting myself into similar situations.
just a flash, faced and then nothing, only i remain.

i ponder and then back off
it feels like such a ME way to be, this current being.
i don't want to poke at it till i start second guessing myself redundantly
neither do i want to accept anything totally without question

always a line to walk.

waiting until the waiting is full.