hoveringsombrero | well hello there mister bear

i'm being good so The Management has let me out of my cage for now.

i decided that being obsessed about telling as little as possible is just as bad as being obsessed with telling as much as possible.
so i'm just going to talk about whatever i'm comfortable with.
of course, even tho a certain mexican doesn't deserve it, i will respect boundaries.
this either makes me a dumbass or a nice person to a fault.

let's go with dumbass and leave it at that, shall we?

i am trying very hard to be stronger than all of this, but so far it just keeps getting worse, it's become almost comical, to the point of if i were talking about all the details i would probably begin leaving things out at this point because it's just too much and hardly believable.

so yeah, either it keeps getting worse and literally kills me or i continue existing till it stops getting worse. yes.

moving on.....
so i'm making a list (checkin it twice, ahhh shut up!), my place is a serious dump, part of why i took so much time off this month, and now i've got three days left, well i work best with a close deadline, and it's ONLY a studio *snork*
i've second appointment on Monday with finally the right doctors, and following that i'll be able to eat again properly, there will be at least one followup appt. probably two.
but anyhow once i'm no longer losing 75% of what i eat to mister toilet i can't keep eating like i have been, which is to say crap or nothing, lately it's mostly milk and coffee.
however, i've no electricity in the 'kitchen area' and i can't complain if i can't let landlady into my house, i also have no heat aside from a space heater.

as for life plans, everything has split, everything i thought i knew has died or was a lie.
and being faced with making a decision by the time my lease is up in July causes blind panic. so in think around May i will talk to landlady about signing another lease. that way i'll not have to worry about place to live where i figure out what i'm going to do with the rest of my life. it's a simple matter to break the lease if something comes up.

the big plan up until recently was to buy a house at end of my lease, no i don't have that much money myself, the estate is settled in July and curtis and i have half discussed him helping me buy a house. i was thinking Manteca area-ish.

but like i've said before kal was my anchor in this valley, if he is dead it's just really too hard to have to run into some asshole walking around in his corpse, and i don't like this valley too much.
if 'my mexican' still exists somewhere and wants to keep me around then he'll do something about it, i will no longer play the victim, i will no longer keep extending limbs only to be chopped off.
everything still seems so surreal

so i'll just keep my options open.
if nothing changes here i'm migrating south, since i'm just a single person now i won't head southern california way until i've either got a job or saved enough money to make it a reasonable risk, and i also want to be positive that i am 'moving on' not 'running away' bob is looking at me from the foot of the bed, i swear sometimes that bitch is all eyes, black smudge in the fabric of reality with glowing yellow eyes. and also if i am able to sign another or extend my lease that'll make it so i can move on to whatever or wherever in a more comfortable time frame.

*sigh*
i will survive?
i am good mood today, i insist.