The Biff.

Nov. 29th, 2008 01:14 pm
hoveringsombrero: (?)


He has lost a bunch of weight since the breakup, so he was attempting to show off his muscles to me. For some reason though, the boy has suddenly gotten very hairy in his late 20s, though you can't see it in this picture due to his pose, but the boy's got pit fros, a decent little chest garden, and his happy trail has exploded all over his belly. We'll stop before we mention his hairy ass though, this is my brother we're talking about KEEP YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, now on to the armpit vagina ...

Directly after I took this picture was when I was teasing him about his hairyness, mother was to the left cutting out pattern pieces for a skirt.

He went off on a tangentrant about how he was going to get a vagina tattoo'd in one pit, and then trim the hair around to make it look authentic. Right away mother started making noises every time he said VAGINA, have some quotes:

"What is it you have a problem with, that I'm saying VAGINA or that I'm saying HAIRY VAGINA? Or is it armpit VAGINA that bothers you? Or the whole thing, HAIRY ARMPIT VAGINA?"

"Why are you so offended by my armpit VAGINA?"

"I'm probably going to bleed like hell when I get the tattoo, so you're saying you're so bothered by my HAIRY ARMPIT VAGINA, that you're not going to comfort me during my first woman times?"


She had enough when he started asking her if she'd show him how to use a tampon. I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. I kept pointing out that of all the words he could have chosen, VAGINA was the least offensive, to which she just replied that one didn't need to say ANY of the words referring to those bits.

What amused me the most is that this is the woman who very carefully always used the proper words when raising is, it was never hooha or wee wee, always vagina and penis. And yet she still freaks out.

And so another Biff Story is recorded.
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
Well I was on irc, so I was repeating things spanky said to him.

eris: Talking to Biff.
spanky: yeah, but I'm more important than your secretly adopted
(from nazis) brother.
eris: He says "tell spanky to suck a sack of dicks"
spanky: A whole sack?
eris: Heh he said "yeah, ask him what he visulises when he hears
sack of dicks, cause I picture like a fishing net with a
bunch of dicks in it."

And then he started telling me that the fishing net was so you could see the dicks flopping about, like dying fish, I told him that he somehow managed to make an already distressing image, twice as distressing. Then spanky said:

spanky: Oh man, I just had a potato sack full of wriggling phallus
dancing in my head.

So I said to Biff, "see, he's got 'em wiggling around also, what's the deal here?"

Biff said: "No no, mine were just flopping, barely flopping, he's got 'em dancing and wiggling and holding hands like some fucked up choir"


Then he kept yawning and I told him to quit yawning in my ears,
cause it was making me yawn.
To which he replied: "What the fuck do you want me to do, yawn in your armpit?"
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
In case you forgot that my brother is so much more awesome,
than any other brother...

He just called me a bit ago to give me a status update on his girl situation,
girluation?
Bituation?
Hostatus?

Heh, anyway, I dig that he tells me stuff,
that he thinks of me first to tell about new girls or change in status of current girls.

Also, it turned into a bit of a "bros before hos" conversation,
in which it was decided that I land on the bros side,
because he's my brother,
and ... I'm awesome.

He says that his new nickname is Ace,
demanded I call him so, to which I asked if he had a Gary.
He laughed, turned to guy in car beside him and asked if guy would be his Gary.
Guy said HAH! YES! and started singing the ambiguously gay duo theme song.

They intend to go into san fran for salsa dancing again,
Ostensibly for "Ace" to play wingman for "Gary" in the great Ho hunt.

Oh yeah, Biff, I mean Ace, salsa dances, he called me at insane AM
sometime last week and informed me he'd just been Salsa dancing in San Francisco,
for four hours.

I said: "You can Salsa dance?"
He said: "APPARENTLY!"

New Biff

Jul. 13th, 2005 12:08 am
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
Biff attempts to recreate the creepyness on purpose.

Biff msg, right click to save as.

SOLVED!

Jul. 12th, 2005 11:39 pm
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
The mystery of the creepy message has been solved!

Talking to brother again and he looked through his call log,
he DOES have a call out to my phone at the same time I recieved that message.

He has no memory of the call, he remembers making the call 4 minutes before hand,
and me calling him an hour after.

He's thinking it was a pocket dial,
and the bits of talking are just him talking to the chick that was over there.
Just all muffled and staticy in the pocket.

Still creepy as shit.
hoveringsombrero: (purpleblue)
biff: hi
eris: did you see my sex change pictures?
biff: yeah
biff: that is scary
eris: but my goatee got itchy so i shaved it off and put my boobs back on
biff: hmmm
biff: your eyebrows look pretty good
biff: I can't grow that much facial hair there is no way you can :P
eris: lol
biff: you've probably got a point there

biff: Curtis can't grow that much
biff: the sneer scared the crap out of me
eris: well see
i'd be taking extensive male hormone treatments
so it's possible i would grow more facial hair
biff: why is your facial hair..a light brown blond..when your hair is no where close to that color..you telling me you dyed your facial hair....yeah right
biff: I'm all cool with the sex change..but not the dying of the facial hair
biff: freak
biff: :P
eris: facial hair is often a different color than head hair
dom's beard is redish where his head hair is dark brown
biff: that explains the fact that my pubes are blue ...hmmmm
biff: no no wait..it doesn't
eris: but you're right, with my coloring my facial hair would probably be darker than my head hair instead of lighter
biff: ha-HA
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] n00dleboy on phone to [livejournal.com profile] biff_lomax
"buttpark franks, they poop when you cook 'em"

spiff

May. 22nd, 2001 08:00 am
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
i am the goddess of low-tech film-making
here's a tiny tiny preview of the beginning title to a little short i filmed with my brother

it was made about cam picture size, after filming it's whatever size you look at it on (tv size to me) and it's got music with it, but until it's put together and i get it into a viewable to you guys sort of file this is all you get, and even then if you're on a dialup it might take a min to load, but i made it as small as i could with still being able to sort of see it

i might change my mind and do a whole different opening even, who knows

home?

May. 21st, 2001 01:23 am
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
i guess this is home anyhow
after the sleeping of the brother called Biff that you see in the previous entry, i also fell asleep.
i awoke all pissed off because i felt like i'd finally gotten in a good place sleep wise and that evil mexican guy was yelling my name, or it seemed like yelling to me because i was happily asleep

so i got dressed and biff and kal and i left the house, first to my father's house because he just re-activated one of the other phone lines in this house for me and all our phones are in storage so he bought us/me a new phone, so we said hi to him and he gave me the phone

then stopped by the bank then to lodi to pay car payment them back to stockton to eat at mongos, while we were eating kal decided that he DID NOT want to drive to go get spanky from the BART station because he drives that road far too much (understandable), so i poked my brother and asked him if he wanted to drive, of course he did.

so we brought kal back home and we went on our way to dublin, we listened to some music and talked about stuff, got stuck in some traffic, then finally got to the BART station, didn't walk nearly all the way into it after parking cause spanky had seen us and was walking out, back into the car and over to the shopping complex around the nearby theatre where there was a Cold Stone ice cream place because my brother had never had it so i wanted to get him some, so he and spanky got some and i ate some of biff's and we walked around and then went into a barnes and noble and biff called mother to tell her he'd be a bit late, and we bought a couple books.

then back to the car, on the way back to the car biff started pushing a shopping cart and then we made spanky get into it, biff pushed him around really fast and spanky screamed and it was funny, so i bitched about the video camera being in the car, so we decided to do it again for the video and spanky's flashy film camera

so we got back to the car and i/we locked the keys in the car, but the drivers side window was slightly open so through a joint effort spanky and biff managed to get the door unlocked, so they posed with the cart and i took a couple pictures with spanky's camera then i took video of spanky being pushed in the cart, then gave the video camera to spanky and he took video from the cart, that's fun cause you can hear his screaming, i nearly died laughing

surprisingly we didn't attract the security guys and no one fucked with us, so off to take brother home we went, with him still driving, and on the way home he started strange rantings so i taped a bunch of that, got to his house and spanky finally met my mother who was all nice and sweet fortunately, then spanky and i came home by way of taco bell and wal-mart

i made him crawl over me to order at the taco bell drive-thru (i wasn't getting anything) then they didn't give him a fork so we went back through again

now home
i'm tired
it was a very fun week other than it being far too hot

oh and we got a barebones system (case motherboard, and separately a processor) to make my desktop all workie again so i'm going to make myself some food and then go finish installing drivers and stuff so i can use it properly

THEN SLEEP!!

BEWARE

May. 20th, 2001 08:08 am
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
it's not entirely safe to fall asleep around me
my brother passed out on the couch soon after the hottubbing



hoveringsombrero: (Default)
this was a class assingment, they were told to disregard what they believed about creation or how the world came about and make up their own:

Biff Lomax
World History
8-24-00

This is the story of how we came to be. It didn't happen all at once it just sort of happened gradually. We came about in a weird way. My name is Marcus and the rest of my tribe has figured out how it all happened.
The Earth was sitting calmly in the heavens; the only things alive were the creatures. The mighty bear, stealthy lion and the beautiful hawk. Every creature that is alive today was around back then, but the creatures were really smart. They were even smarter then we are today, and they liked doing things as easily as possible. They were tired of the life that they were leading. So the Lion the ape and the dolphin got together, they were the leaders of all of earth. And they decided to make a stupid race of what they would call humans to be there slaves. The humans would do everything for them. They would bring them food so they didn't have to go hunt it or gather it themselves anymore. So they got together in the Lab. And started mixing chemical after chemical and they bent DNA this way and that. Finally they were almost done but it would take seven days for the human creatures to become alive. They made four men and four women and three girls and three boys. They still had to make them really stupid and obedient. So they had made a stupid mixture a big bunch of it incase the Humans started to get smarter. Some how the stupid mix spilled and reacted with another chemical. There was a giant sound and this eerie back cloud drifted out of the Lab. The Cloud quickly covered the whole Earth. The Creature all got together wondering what was happening. They were afraid of what damage this cloud could bring. A rain started to beat down upon the Earth a nasty sticky black rain it was very hard and fast. The creatures tried to get away from it but their attempts were in vain. They could not get away from the rain; it rained for four days and nights. When it was all said and done the creatures were reduced to the dumb beasts they are today. A few days later the humans were born. They walked around the Earth making homes for themselves. They were happy with this land they found themselves in. I assume many years later they figured how they came about. They lived a good life and they had kids and there kids had kids. Until we get to where we are today. This is the story of our Creation.
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
the village fag story has been deleted and moved to BIFF'S LIVEJOURNAL

cause it's a work in progress and well i'm tired of adding chapters in this same post :)

now it's up to him, he can share his writings with you as he feels like it
hoveringsombrero: (Default)
remember when biff and i went to church?
remember the rant about it and i said there'd be a new pastor and i'd probably go?
here's an icq conversation with my brother about it
(if you don't remember my parents are divorced and they don't speak to each other)

eris: do you remember if it's this week that the new pastor is supposed to be at fairmont?
Biff: yes
Biff: this week
Biff: thats what I remember
eris: whaca doin this weekend then?
Biff: sitting at home
eris: wanna go to fairmont witht me?
Biff: no
Biff: I've seen you once
eris: :(
Biff: I'll bring mother
eris: i don't care
Biff: k
Biff: I don't want to get gas :P
eris: :)
hehe
um curtis and mary might be there
guess i should find out huh?
Biff: lol
Biff: who cares?
Biff: I swear they hide too much
eris: yeah
and WE'RE the kids
Biff: we don't need to make the arragement
Biff: lets just go
Biff: fuck it
Biff: who cares if they see each other
Biff: It might be funny
eris: hehe
suppose i could FORGET that curtis and mary have been going there
Biff: of course
eris: heh heh heh
Biff: why do we need to make them happy were the kids I am tired of pussy footing around
eris: very true
this is like some twisted parent trap
Biff: yeah it is but we don't want them back togeather :P
Biff: we just want BLOOD
Biff: lol
Biff: cough cough
eris: lol
that's why i said twisted
Biff: I know
Biff: I just wanted to say blood OK
Biff: we can ask her witch church she wants to go too? :P
eris: hehe
sure
"oh hey mom, there's a new pastor at fairmont and a potluck and Eris' going"
Biff: blah
eris: blah?
Biff: just blah

anyhow that's about the end of that part of the conversation, and oh yeah biff has been refering to spanky as "replacement brother"
heh

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