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hoveringsombreroIn answering a question in AMA I realised I was going on too much at length about my dating history, so I'm removing that from my answer and putting it here.
So I shall put it under a cut, it's just the basics (which even that gets a bit tl;dr), no real identifying information of anyone. The question was if you've ever been in an open relationship. I don't think there's any such thing, there's either rules, or you're swingers. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter, but personally, I read "open relationship" as not terribly responsible and not a whole lot of communication.
A brief sexual history of eris:
My first sexual relationship was monogamous but lasted lessa year, I was young and dumb and still had the idea that I'd probably marry the first person I fucked.
The second was one of my two long term relationships, which started basically monogamous but we started experimenting together and he encouraged my interest in women. During that relationship I had (officially) two girlfriends, two fuckbuddies (one f one m), and two threesomes with the boyfriend one with one of my girlfriends the other with my male fuckbuddy, and he had at least one other girlfriend that I was aware of. The only really "open" RULE in that relationship was we could make out with anyone we liked without prior permission just tell later. But sex was supposed to be discussed before hand. He still managed to cheat, which ended up being the death of that.
Though I have no regrets, I did many things in that relationship that I would never do again, and so my second long term relationship was my Big Experiment In Monogamy. But he knew of my past and ultimately it did not make me "marriage material" to him. I did date another girl during that relationship as well, and he then cheated on me before dumping me with a girl that I had repeatedly asked him if he was interested in her because if so I had no problem discussing options.
I suppose that my previous partner is considered a relationship, but there was nothing formal. I considered him my best friend and partner, but he was only alright with non-monogamy as long as there weren't any labels, and he had a history of cheating so there was no way I would have ever attempted monogamy with him. Because he WOULD sleep with other people either way, and I prefer to be aware. Oddly it ended up nearly as exclusive as the prior one. In the 5 or so years we lived together, we only each actually slept with one other person.
So at the moment, I'm ostensibly single, as I technically have been for the better part of a decade, but am fairly emotionally attached to a small handful of people, with nothing official.
On the more serious side, I have noticed that I have involved myself with a few people who held beliefs about what makes someone worthy of "real" commitment, of which they considered me not worthy due to my past and my beliefs. I am determined to make an effort to avoid doing that, going forward, as that seems sort of a self-destructive thing to do.
I am all for love, commitment, relationships, and so forth, I'm loyal as all hell, I am actually physically incapable of lying to anyone I care about (I actually get ill, it's pretty ridiculous). So if someone thinks that my choice of responsible non-monogamy makes me unfit for a relationship, they can go fuck themselves.
As for my RULES:
Lying is cheating.
Even if you're, say, having text based sexy times with someone that you are hiding from me, that's cheating. Saying you're out to dinner with your mum, but you really go out with a friend you're attracted to that I am unaware of, that's cheating. Don't do it.
Addendum to the above, if there hasn't been any formal relationship discussion, you don't really owe me much disclosure at all. With the exception that if you're having unprotected sex with someone else, I've a right to know that, I don't have to know who they are, but you must give me enough information to make responsible decisions.
No take backs.
Wherever your line is, in physical relations, once that's crossed you don't get a veto (with the obvious exceptions of abusive relationships). I'm interested in someone, I approach you, we discuss it, you meet, things move forward. Then months, years, whatevers later you suddenly want me to stop fucking them "but you can stay friends!". No. Like the parentheses said, if you've serious concerns about the safety of the relationship and/or my mental health, that's entirely different. But just decide you don't want me fucking other people? No. So don't agree if you're not comfortable. I know that's hard to know until you're in it, but I usually take things slow anyways.
This also applies to wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, of person I'm dating. Depending on how long our history is, there's a good chance of me walking the fuck away if my partner's partner tries to suddenly veto already existing sexual relations without proper cause. Best advice for partners of my partners? Get to know me. If I care about you too, I will not willingly betray your trust or hurt you. I can be an absent minded asshole sometimes, but I can't be purposely malicious to those I care about (I'm not a saint, wish I could sometimes, it's tied to that whole stupid can't lie thing also, makes me physically ill).
Other than that, there's not much, I still like the one rule of that first experimental relationship, I don't care who you kiss or make out with, really. The primary thing is communication. Just let me know what's up, what you want, what you're comfortable and not comfortable with. There's no one set of rules that works with every flavour of relationship. Just respect me, be honest with me, and don't get mad at me when I'm sick or panic over something stupid, and we're cool honeybunny.
So I shall put it under a cut, it's just the basics (which even that gets a bit tl;dr), no real identifying information of anyone. The question was if you've ever been in an open relationship. I don't think there's any such thing, there's either rules, or you're swingers. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter, but personally, I read "open relationship" as not terribly responsible and not a whole lot of communication.
A brief sexual history of eris:
My first sexual relationship was monogamous but lasted lessa year, I was young and dumb and still had the idea that I'd probably marry the first person I fucked.
The second was one of my two long term relationships, which started basically monogamous but we started experimenting together and he encouraged my interest in women. During that relationship I had (officially) two girlfriends, two fuckbuddies (one f one m), and two threesomes with the boyfriend one with one of my girlfriends the other with my male fuckbuddy, and he had at least one other girlfriend that I was aware of. The only really "open" RULE in that relationship was we could make out with anyone we liked without prior permission just tell later. But sex was supposed to be discussed before hand. He still managed to cheat, which ended up being the death of that.
Though I have no regrets, I did many things in that relationship that I would never do again, and so my second long term relationship was my Big Experiment In Monogamy. But he knew of my past and ultimately it did not make me "marriage material" to him. I did date another girl during that relationship as well, and he then cheated on me before dumping me with a girl that I had repeatedly asked him if he was interested in her because if so I had no problem discussing options.
I suppose that my previous partner is considered a relationship, but there was nothing formal. I considered him my best friend and partner, but he was only alright with non-monogamy as long as there weren't any labels, and he had a history of cheating so there was no way I would have ever attempted monogamy with him. Because he WOULD sleep with other people either way, and I prefer to be aware. Oddly it ended up nearly as exclusive as the prior one. In the 5 or so years we lived together, we only each actually slept with one other person.
So at the moment, I'm ostensibly single, as I technically have been for the better part of a decade, but am fairly emotionally attached to a small handful of people, with nothing official.
On the more serious side, I have noticed that I have involved myself with a few people who held beliefs about what makes someone worthy of "real" commitment, of which they considered me not worthy due to my past and my beliefs. I am determined to make an effort to avoid doing that, going forward, as that seems sort of a self-destructive thing to do.
I am all for love, commitment, relationships, and so forth, I'm loyal as all hell, I am actually physically incapable of lying to anyone I care about (I actually get ill, it's pretty ridiculous). So if someone thinks that my choice of responsible non-monogamy makes me unfit for a relationship, they can go fuck themselves.
As for my RULES:
Lying is cheating.
Even if you're, say, having text based sexy times with someone that you are hiding from me, that's cheating. Saying you're out to dinner with your mum, but you really go out with a friend you're attracted to that I am unaware of, that's cheating. Don't do it.
Addendum to the above, if there hasn't been any formal relationship discussion, you don't really owe me much disclosure at all. With the exception that if you're having unprotected sex with someone else, I've a right to know that, I don't have to know who they are, but you must give me enough information to make responsible decisions.
No take backs.
Wherever your line is, in physical relations, once that's crossed you don't get a veto (with the obvious exceptions of abusive relationships). I'm interested in someone, I approach you, we discuss it, you meet, things move forward. Then months, years, whatevers later you suddenly want me to stop fucking them "but you can stay friends!". No. Like the parentheses said, if you've serious concerns about the safety of the relationship and/or my mental health, that's entirely different. But just decide you don't want me fucking other people? No. So don't agree if you're not comfortable. I know that's hard to know until you're in it, but I usually take things slow anyways.
This also applies to wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, of person I'm dating. Depending on how long our history is, there's a good chance of me walking the fuck away if my partner's partner tries to suddenly veto already existing sexual relations without proper cause. Best advice for partners of my partners? Get to know me. If I care about you too, I will not willingly betray your trust or hurt you. I can be an absent minded asshole sometimes, but I can't be purposely malicious to those I care about (I'm not a saint, wish I could sometimes, it's tied to that whole stupid can't lie thing also, makes me physically ill).
Other than that, there's not much, I still like the one rule of that first experimental relationship, I don't care who you kiss or make out with, really. The primary thing is communication. Just let me know what's up, what you want, what you're comfortable and not comfortable with. There's no one set of rules that works with every flavour of relationship. Just respect me, be honest with me, and don't get mad at me when I'm sick or panic over something stupid, and we're cool honeybunny.
