heartless whore

an old college friend of mine just died

i debated posting nothing
i debated removing people from filters and posting
i debated posting nice offend nobody things in public and then posting in the altered filters

i became annoyed at allowing what i think other people want or don't want to hear to dictate what i say.

for a long time i considered brandon one of my best friends.
i was young and stupid and believed the boyos when they said things like;
"if you and carl break up we're keeping you, we like you"
i never expected them to ditch carl in favour of me, no no.
but for some reason i thought they'd still like me whatever happened.

never underestimate the tie that binds the boyos

then i started dating doug, slowly became re accepted with the boyos
i forgave the snarkyness and meanness
"boys will be boys" and all that rot.

happened again after doug
*sigh*
over the years since i've had occasional contact
they really are good boys, it's not their fault i expected too much of them.

but i never really was able to get over brandon's meanness to me after the end of doug.

then i heard he was sick, and i put all that aside to visit him
and i'm glad i did. even tho he wasn't in the best of health he was lucid
he seemed glad to see nadin and i
we made him laugh, and that's what i want to remember.
and all the fun he was to hang out with
and him at my parties
and just crazy brandon in denny's.

if he had gotten better nothing would have kept me from his celebration party,
regardless of my hate of stockton, or any of it.
and i would have brought up to brandon that the way he especially treated me really hurt.
and i'm sure he would have been surprised and apologized much.
the boyos are hardly ever purposely malicious, which is why i never made a big deal of it.
i just moved on.

i'm not going to the funeral.
i'll say my own goodbyes in my own way.

i don't deal with death well, i especially don't deal with other people dealing with death well.
i don't cry in public, or in front of hardly anyone.
that whole group is a part of my past that i don't think i've grown up enough to fully reconnect with without falling back into old ways of reacting to them.
i never felt i fit in other than as "somebody's girlfriend"
i had a lot of fun with them all in college, but i never felt like i was ever accepted.
maybe it was carl then doug's influence, but i always felt like i had to watch what i said and did.

all that crap aside, and out of my head ...

i will miss you brandon,
i'm sorry i didn't make more of effort to get over my own shit and get back in contact with you when i had a chance.
but i'm very glad you're not sick anymore.
rest in peace guy.=(

*HUGEGIGANTICSIGH*

silence broken,
i felt i couldn't post until i posted about brandon.

i called in personal today
i woke up, sat around for a bit.

then stood up to go get dressed, felt like i'd hit a brick wall
went back to bed.

i'll lose my pefect attendance bonus for this payperiod
i'll lose a day of pay
maybe i have some PPT i should ask

i just coudln't do it today.

my brain said NO.

being normal ME yesterday at work took all i had in me.
nobody at work even really asked if anything was wrong.

i'm not as upset as a "normal" person would be, i just haven't been close to brandon in years
i don't want sympathy when it's just my inability to deal with one more thing.

and it was his time to go, his string was cut.
he's much happier no longer being sick i'm sure.

i'll be fine for work tomorrow, then i have a busy weekend.

nadin> heh you think it would make him give me the sex
eris> try writing GIVE ME THESEX on it