a probably too personal public ramble

life is a strange beast.

i expected this.
that once i decide to leave and start making plans that there would appear reasons to stay.
on one hand that just sucks
on the other hand it proves to myself that i'm doing the right thing because none of this has affected my resolve to follow thru with plans

there are a couple people who if their situation changed i really do not know what i would do if either seriously asked me to stay.
i just don't know.
i think that it still wouldn't change anything. i would do everything i could to make things with person(s) work, with my plans, but don't think i could stay.

i feel like that over the last 7-9 years i've done hardly anything for myself, or at least a very small fraction of what i *wanted* to do, i feel like that most of my friendships/relationships have involved me doing all the compromising and trying to be whatever makes everyone else happy.

i don't know how i could have gotten through this year, so far, at all without pinky. i fear i'll never be able to properly express the magnitude of that to her. i wish i wasn't such a sucky friend in return, doesn't seem fair.
nadin being here, on jan 7th, getting me out of the house, being with me, bobcat making me laugh, nadin letting me cry in the car .... probably saved most of my sanity to begin with, i'm unsure if i would have ever left the house without her insistence.

pinky has been my conscience and my anger and my stabilizing force,
that bitch is a force of nature i swear. =D
nadin is my rock, my sister, the person that likely knows me better than most, and yet for some reason doesn't hate me. even if it is the *shudder* military (*wink*) i'm so proud of her for escaping, for doing something, for continuing to be BE NADIN thru all sorts of shit and life, and still be a great mom on top of all that.

.....

i feel like i'm making new friends pay for the sins of past friends in a way
by saying if you're really my friend you'll be my friend no matter where i am
i don't think that's unfair of me, but it still sounds it.

.......

who knows what could happen next week.

evil pinky said to me last night; what if soandso comes back into town and proposes?
ACK!
i acked, twitched and cleared the window
she laughed at me.

there are many things that could happen that i have no idea what i would do or how i would react unless they happen.

that no longer frightens me.
well the possibility of the things themselves maybe freak me out a bit
but the not knowing what 'd do, not having control over something that hasn't and probably won't happen, doesn't frighten me.

i am accepting that i cannot control everything.
and that that's rather quite a lot of the fun and interesting parts of life
the unexpected.

END OF ENTRY

HAHA

interesting

hee

remote control panty

oh yeah

i should make an actual entry

i just woke up a few hours ago,
i was feeling icky when i woke up yesterday
but i ignored it.

i went to work, as i was walking around gathering stuff from locker, checking my file, i beceame very dizzy
found a cube, sat down, started feeling feverish, world got fuzzy
tried to ignore

C&c started asking me if i was ok, said i didn't look good.
it got to where i started nodding off while working
and not sleep nodding off like fainting nodding off

i had decided i'd stay till lunch
then till first break
after an hour and 15 mins i realized i must go home or i'd die.

suck.

talked to pink on fon while driving (talky not typey i would have hit something if i tried typey)
came home and was online and talked to MrH as well as pink for a bit
then PASSED THE FUCK OUT!

i don't think i slept enough i still feel odd
so i think i'm going to lay back down for a while, in a bit, yes.

i don't believe i'm sick sick, i think i just ran down.

Freudian much?

i was dreaming lots just now
just randomness mostly involving the book i'm currently reading

however someone recently told me the name of his penis

so in the dreams the main character's name was replaced with this name

also there was a part where whenever i came back from the bathroom at work they'd call me eri
that's the name which happens on irc when i'm not quite there or eris is ghosted

odd

>:|

grrrrr

crap

i spoke too soon
not made a full month wihtout bleedy
CRAPASS

annoyance.