a ramble upon waking

[hoveringsombrero]

*sigh*
i still wish i could fix everyone

i should like to be a fairy godmother who can just *poof* make things right
especially now since i no longer need to do it for myself

things aren't perfect but i feel in control of my own life again finally.
i don't /thatiknowof/ currently associate with anyone who is less than forthcoming with me.
i'm not under the mistaken impression that i'll never be lied to again
nor do i think i'm suddenly above all that.

i'm still me i'm bound to fall for some stupid shit probably again sometime.

here's something which shouldn't be posted publicly cause it's not very eris
i mostly just want to make other people happy
sometimes i do the stupid of trying to be what someone else (even just a friend) wants
cause it makes them happy.
to a small extent this isn't a bad thing,

it seems to make pinky happy when i'm eating properly
so that's actually a larger motivation than my own health
perhaps that's not entirely the best reason but it gets the right result for now.
i get quite distressed when pink has a bad headache, cause i can't fix
then i get annoyed that i'll all distressed.

my mood is often dependant on the happiness of others.
but not as much as it use to be, so that's good i guess.

it's not really a seeking approval i dun think
i just want people i care about to be happy
and i want to be at least part of the cause of the happy.
distressing to no end when there's nothing i can do.

.....................................................................................

in other news the gang at work was very concerned about me
and have been tactfully attempting to get as much information about the sick
desi cornered me and told me they'd been worried about me and wanted to know if i'm ok

i don't' know what to make of all that, i like it, but
you know, the way i think, i'm just a co-worker, and i'm just eris
unsure why i warrant so much concern

i had some stabby pain last night at work so i kinda hid by my cubie wall and thinking nobody was looking allowed the pain to use my face to make an expression.
desi was looking ... and sounding very concerned asked me if i was ok
ACK!
i banished the expression, looked normal and looked at her mildly confused and said something like "what? no nothing, i'm fine" and probably a dismissive gesture or turned away from her.
random concern unsettles me and i don't know how to deal with it.
sorta like random complements
*shrug*

well i should call my mother and go over and get my NEW (BRAND NEW!!!) computer
DSL will be in tomorrow